*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
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Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Match dot com, but for socks.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school