Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
You Might Also Like
Me when my alarm goes off
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Oh, I bet you would be
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Sticker placement is key.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
This is my emotional support knife.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him