MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
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Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?