When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
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“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Oh. My. God.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Lmbo
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.