My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
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4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
This kid is going places
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
my sentiments exactly
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
giddy up Office Depot