Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
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me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
some things should go without saying
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.