Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.