Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
can I use a minion as a tampon
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.