I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
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Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
spot the difference
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?