Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
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Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Natural selection at its finest
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
shit, they caught us—run!!!
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
🙂🙃🥹
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.