Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.