Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
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GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
oh shit
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.