When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
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5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.