me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Close call…
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.