HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
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Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Me recordaron éste meme
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Just so funny
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.