Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
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I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
twitter users today:
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”