My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
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I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
gentlemen, hear me out
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Happy Star Wars day!
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Heroic Misunderstanding
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
my nickname in college
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now