me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
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13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
getting old is fun
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
…..pretty much.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together