Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
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Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Damn he played himself
*exercises sarcastically*