Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
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It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?