[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
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True.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Become ungovernable.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes