A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
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[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.