Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Cat.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
🤣🤣
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me