Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
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GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
happy valentine’s day to me
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.