Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms