My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Boating season is upon us.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’