“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
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Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE