[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.