I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
O Wise One….
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
road rage
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.