God has left this place
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When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human