GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.