“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
*puts my mental health in rice
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
It’s the weekend y’all
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Solving a traffic jam
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*