[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.