WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
❤️❤️❤️
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.