Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?