I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
You Might Also Like
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?