me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
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Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Cats are still liquid.