Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
The first matador
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
They’re not wrong
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
bro: she stressing u out g??
me: