When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
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what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Trumpy Cat
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.