I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do