Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.