July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
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Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I love art.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”