Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
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podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
they split up moments later
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Lmao
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot