My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
You Might Also Like
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it