Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
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I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.