I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
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Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha