I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
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*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Kermit goes Blue.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
every. time.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling