SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
sir, my pâté if you please
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
A man of commitment.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible