My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
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“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.