If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
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When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30